Rediscovering Intimacy In Your Marriage

“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.” — Franz Schubert

Life after kids is beautiful but let’s not sugarcoat it—it can be chaotic, stressful, and exhausting. I’ve always been transparent about my pregnancies; you probably remember me saying I hated being pregnant! I was sick the entire time with both of my boys. Meanwhile, my husband was reading articles telling him our sex life would be through the roof—like we’d be having non-stop fun in the bedroom. LOL. Reality check: that was far from the case. I was constantly unwell, and intimacy felt like the last thing on my mind. Thankfully, my husband was patient and understanding. But after having kids, we had to figure out the best way to reconnect and rebuild our romantic relationship.

It wasn’t just about sexual intimacy; it was about rediscovering our emotional closeness, rebuilding intellectual intimacy, and remembering who we were as a couple before becoming parents. The truth is, maintaining an intimate relationship takes hard work, but it’s not impossible.

If you’ve been feeling like your relationship intimacy has taken a hit, you’re not alone. Parenthood changes everything, including your romantic partnership. But with a little effort, you can reconnect with your spouse and rediscover the spark that brought you together. Let’s dive into how you can start building intimacy today.

Understanding the Shift After Kids

Emotional and Physical Changes

Having kids changes your body, your priorities, and even how you see yourself. Many moms struggle with low self-esteem postpartum, and dads often feel unsure of how to approach physical intimacy issues during this time. Toss in the exhaustion, sleepless nights, and endless to-do lists, and suddenly your sex life or even non-sexual touch becomes an afterthought.

The Mental Load

Let’s not overlook the mental load we carry as moms. From managing school schedules to planning meals, we’re constantly juggling a number of things. It’s no wonder we’re left with little energy to focus on types of intimacy that go beyond parenting. The first step is acknowledging how much time we spend taking care of everything—and how that can impact our intimate connection.

The Real Deal About Intimacy After Kids

Here’s the truth: being a mom is a beautiful thing, but it can also take a toll on your relationship. Those carefree date nights or lazy mornings where you could just lounge around? Yeah, those seem like a distant memory now. These days, you’re lucky to finish a conversation without someone screaming “Mommy!” from the next room. But here’s what I’ve learned—intimacy isn’t just about the physical connection. It’s about holding onto that deep, soulful bond that made you fall in love in the first place. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth the effort.

Rebuilding Intimacy: Where to Start

Intimacy is about so much more than sex. It’s about feeling valued, loved, and understood by your partner. Here’s how you can start building intimacy and rediscover the feel-good hormones that come from a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

1. Make Time for Each Other

• Schedule Date Nights: Babysitters exist for a reason! Whether it’s dinner at your favorite soul food spot or catching a comedy show, carve out time to reconnect as a couple.
• At-Home Dates: Can’t go out? After the kids are asleep, light some candles, order takeout, and watch your favorite movie. A little effort goes a long way.
• Have an indoor picnic after the kids are asleep
• Play those old school slow jams and dance in the living room
• Cook dinner together – there’s something sexy about working side by side
• Try couple’s devotional time – spiritual intimacy can lead to other kinds of closeness

2. Communicate Openly

Be honest about how you’re feeling—emotionally, mentally, and physically. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, let your husband know. If you’re craving more connection, express that too. Communication is the foundation of intimacy. I swear this is so important. There are going to be times (a lot of times!) when you get on each other’s nerves. After I had the baby my hormones and emotions were all over the place. I suffered from postpartum depression. I felt disconnected, from everyone. And I honestly didn’t even want to be touched a lot of the time! Being able to articulate what you need (and don’t need!) is so crucial during this time. Tackling problems early on helps keep something small from turning into something big.

3. Prioritize Touch

Physical touch doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Small gestures like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or giving a quick neck massage can remind you both of your connection. Intimacy isn’t just about sex. Physical touch is my hubby’s love language. And even though there were a lot of times I wasn’t in the mood, I had to think outside the box. So even if it’s holding hands, embracing, kissing. Those little gestures can make you feel cherished by your partner. Maybe you aren’t feeling sensual. However, everyone wants to feel desired, needed and wanted. Intimacy and romance are really vital at any stage in marriage. I understand this might seem contradictory to what I just said about communication. But touch is another powerful form of intimacy that can be expressed in various ways.  Even though I was exhausted, I recognized how much physical contact matters. With that in mind, here are a few ways you can incorporate it into your relationships: 

• Hold hands while watching those Netflix shows
• Give each other quick shoulder massages
• Sit close during family movie night
• Dance together while cooking dinner

Fun Ways to Rekindle the Spark

Sometimes, you just need to shake things up. Here are some creative ideas to bring back the fun and excitement:

Try New Activities Together

• Dance Classes: Take a salsa or hip-hop class together. it’s a great way to bond and get moving.
• Cooking Night: Pick a new recipe (think Caribbean-inspired dishes or your grandma’s favorite comfort food) and cook together. My husband and I recently did a Nigerian cooking class for couples and it was the best thing. It was something different than we are used to. It allowed us to engage with each other and really enjoy being in each other’s company. 

Navigating Common Challenges

Exhaustion

Solution: Break the cycle of exhaustion by taking turns managing the kids so each of you gets some rest. A well-rested couple is a happier couple! 

• Schedule intimacy (yes, really – what gets scheduled gets done!)
• Take turns giving each other time to rest
• Share household responsibilities
• Consider getting help if possible (ain’t no shame in that game)

Time Constraints

Solution: Use the time you have wisely. Even 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation can make a difference. Here’s how to stay connected even during the busiest times:

• Take advantage of nap time for quick couple moments
• Wake up 15 minutes earlier for morning cuddles
• Make the most of shower time together
• Use those lunch breaks for phone dates

Bedroom Blues Be Gone

Let’s get real about keeping your sexual relationship spicy and exciting, even during stressful times:

• Create a “love calendar” to mark special nights for you both to focus on your couple’s sex life.
• Switch up the routine—if evenings don’t work, try some morning love for the first time.
• Invest in loungewear that makes you feel confident and sexy. A good way to boost your sex drive is by feeling good about yourself!
• Set the mood with scented oils, a curated playlist, and maybe even skin-to-skin contact to bring a feeling of closeness back into your evenings.

Even if you’re in a sexless marriage, these steps can encourage more sexual experiences and help break the routine.

Making It Work in Real Life

Building Emotional Intimacy

It’s not all about the physical—it’s also about fostering mental intimacy and addressing your emotional needs:

• Share your dreams, fears, and goals on a regular basis. These moments can deepen your level of emotional intimacy.
• Practice active listening—put the phone down and focus entirely on what your spouse shares with you.
• Express gratitude daily to remind each other of your common goal: building a healthy marriage.
• Pray or meditate together to grow spiritually and emotionally closer.

These practices are a good way to tackle the fear of intimacy and create a stronger bond.

Self-Care is Part of the Journey

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for a healthy marriage and true definition of intimacy. Ladies, don’t forget:

• Keep up with your hobbies and common interests to maintain your sense of self.
• Stick to beauty routines that make you feel confident. Feeling good in your own skin boosts your energy for the relationship.
• Stay connected with your girlfriends—it’s important to have close relationships outside of your marriage.
• Take time for spiritual renewal. This might mean journaling, attending a workshop, or having a cup of coffee in peace.

Why Intimacy Matters for Black Couples

As Black couples, our love stories are rich, unique, and deeply rooted in resilience. Prioritizing your relationship isn’t just about you—it sets an example for your kids. They see what love, respect, and partnership look like through your actions. Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and keep investing in your relationship. The effort you put in today will bloom into something beautiful tomorrow. Rebuilding intimacy after kids isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it. Take small, intentional steps to reconnect with your husband and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.

Kisha

Posted By: Kisha Gulley · In: Featured, Marriage