The Holiday Boundaries Every Mom Needs (But Feels Guilty Setting)

A story about choosing your family’s well-being and own needs over everyone else’s expectations

There was a time when the holidays felt like a performance I had to perfect. I’d get really sad and depressed during this season, throwing myself into work and flying nonstop just to avoid the weight of it all. But now? Now I have a family, and I’ve been actively working on creating unforgettable memories for all of us during this time of year.

I’m being called to share this truth: setting boundaries during the holidays isn’t selfish, it’s sacred.

As the holidays approach, I can’t wait to relax in my home with my husband and kids. We don’t have family here in Arizona, and while we get plenty of invitations from friends and loved ones, people don’t always understand what an incredibly stressful time this can be for us. I’m not just talking about travel logistics. I’m talking about tending to our son’s needs, navigating sensory overload, and thinking deeply about what family gatherings actually mean for our peace.

We have two kids, and our oldest is autistic. One thing my husband and I absolutely agree on is that we don’t put unwanted stress on our family. Protecting your peace should always be a priority, but choosing our mental health during the holidays will always be a must over attending any family function.

This isn’t the polished version of holiday boundaries you see in magazines. This is the real, lived experience of a Black neurodivergent mom who’s learned that saying no to others often means saying yes to what your family actually needs.

How the Holidays Used to Affect My Mental Health

For the longest time, I would avoid going home during the holidays. I struggled with what I now know was seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of holiday depression that occurs at roughly the same times each year, linked to the changing seasons. If you’re like the majority of people with SAD, your symptoms begin in the fall and last into the winter months.

Back then, I wasn’t really open about my mental health conditions, so I never told anyone. And I’m going to keep it real. Nobody has time for a bunch of judgmental family members, especially during “the most wonderful time of the year.”

But holiday stress isn’t just about family dynamics. The common triggers include financial pressure, feelings of loneliness, overwhelming social situations, traumatic memories that surface, and family members who seem to specialize in pushing every button you have. For me, the things that used to give me holiday blues have been replaced by something else: the fierce protection of my family’s well-being.

How I Mentally Prepare for Setting Boundaries During the Holidays

The holiday season really starts for us in October (Halloween) and lasts through January (Dia de los Reyes). Once we started having kids, I knew I wanted to start new traditions. I’ve been actively working on breaking generational curses, so I really focus on making sure our kids have great holiday experiences that serve them in the best way, not everyone else’s expectations.

Since our son is autistic, holidays look different for us. The first and most important thing I try to remember is this: we don’t have to be around anyone that makes us or our children uncomfortable. Full stop.

But should we choose to attend social events, I take extra care making sure everyone knows we might have to leave early or cancel last minute. This isn’t rudeness, this is advocacy for my family’s needs.

Managing Mental Health During the Holidays: The Real Talk

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that having healthy boundaries is non-negotiable. You know I love boundaries! I’ve been working on creating healthy habits for myself and my family, and part of that means recognizing my triggers so I can immediately exit if I feel stress building or if anyone crosses lines.

There can be tremendous pressure during the holidays to spend time with immediate family. But for people with toxic family members, that pressure can be crushing. So toxic behavior becomes a huge deal-breaker when thinking about accepting invites.

Preserving your mental health during the holidays is important, so don’t feel bad if you need to decline the invitation. Use this time to create your own holiday traditions instead.

Here’s what I’ve learned about setting boundaries during the holidays when you have a neurodivergent family:

My Holiday Mental Health Tips for Real Life

Establish clear boundaries. And remember, boundaries don’t need apologies. “We can come for two hours” doesn’t require a dissertation about why. “We might need to leave early” doesn’t need three backup explanations.

Leave early when you need to. We thrive off routine, and even though it’s a special occasion, I try to keep us on the same schedule. Even if that means we have to leave the party when others are just getting started.

Ask “who’s going to be there?” Check the guest list first. If you know toxic family members will be there, don’t even waste your time. Your emotional health will thank you later.

Don’t go. To be honest, if you’re having a difficult time, or if you need to give yourself a pep talk before being around anyone, it might be best to sit it out. Cancel if you have to. Your nervous system is trying to tell you something.

Create your own traditions. Some of our favorite holiday memories happen right here in our personal space, with our kids in pajamas and no pressure to perform for anyone.

The Truth About Holiday Anxiety and Boundaries

I don’t want you to develop negative feelings about holiday gatherings entirely. A lot of good can come from being around people who truly love and support you. For many people, spending time with chosen family can improve mood and have a positive impact on both physical health and mental wellness.

But here’s the thing I wish someone had told me years ago: choosing yourself is never selfish. The second most important thing? Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself.

Setting Boundaries During the Holidays: Your Permission Slip

Now that we’ve found new ways to make memories with our kids, the demands of the season don’t feel impossible anymore. We’ve learned that setting boundaries during the holidays means different things for different families:

• For us, it might mean hosting a small thanksgiving dinner where we control the environment
• It might mean saying no to events that happen during our son’s routine
• It could mean leaving family functions early without guilt
• Sometimes it means celebrating on a different day entirely when it works better for our family

The most important thing I can tell you is this: your family’s emotional well-being matters more than anyone else’s expectations. Your mental health matters more than tradition for tradition’s sake. Your children’s comfort matters more than keeping everyone else happy.

Setting boundaries during the holidays isn’t about being difficult, it’s about being intentional. It’s about choosing what serves your family instead of what looks good to others. It’s about creating space for the kind of joy that actually feels sustainable.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

This year, we’re planning our holidays around what brings us genuine peace. We’ll decline some invitations without over-explaining. We’ll create traditions that honor who we are now, not who we used to be or who others want us to be.

And if you’re reading this feeling guilty about your own holiday boundaries, let me tell you: you don’t owe anyone your discomfort. You don’t owe anyone access to your children during times that feel chaotic. You don’t owe anyone a yes when your spirit is saying no.

The holidays are about gratitude, love, and connection. But they should also be about honoring the family you’re building and the peace you’re protecting. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is model healthy boundaries for the people who matter most.

What does setting boundaries during the holidays look like for your family? I’d love to hear how you protect your emotional wellbeing during this season. Share in the comments, your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.

Resources for Holiday Mental Health:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): nami.org

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Posted By: Kisha Gulley · In: Mental Health, Self-Care